If it’s possible to chef’s kiss a newspaper article with my tongue, this one about a historian who tracked down his nemesis-reviewer can consider itself thoroughly tongued.
“Junius” clearly hated my books. Over the years I’d become used to his scathing one-star reviews appearing on Amazon every time I had a new one published. The anonymous account had become my online nemesis.
Just hours after my most recent book, Murder at Home, was released, I noticed a cancerous review from him, warning prospective readers that it was “abysmal — avoid”.
True to form, Junius — a pseudonym he used on Amazon to review books — proceeded to describe the “low quality” and “poor research” of what I had written, which “would disgrace an undergraduate dissertation”. I had, apparently, “nothing original to say”.
The victim of this mugging, Professor David Wilson, wasn’t just your average leather-elbow-pathed academic, however. He’s a TV star who investigates cold cases.
Wilson on the right. Really don’t think I’d want this guy coming after me.
He decided to turn his mad skills on his serial-killer review guy.
If you don’t, I’ll give you some delicious highlights.
Junius didn’t limit himself to my books: he was a prolific critic of other people’s work too. I searched through all his reviews and he seemed to have eclectic tastes: the Jacobite rebellion, psychopathy, London, local history and the highwayman Dick Turpin, as well as true crime books.
I surmised that he was a historian or at least had a degree in history. Handily, he signed off his reviews with the hint of an address — “London, Middlesex” — although there was no trace of his name.
I typed “author”, “Dick Turpin” and “Jacobite rebellion” into the bar of a search engine. Up popped several authors who had dabbled in these different areas. One caught my eye because he worked in Middlesex — the historic county that now forms part of west London: Jonathan Oates.
I clicked on his profile. Oates had published many books about serial murder — he even has his own Amazon author page. He often appears in the media discussing murder and works as an archivist at Ealing Libraries in west London.
So he calls the library and asks for Jonathon Oates. The perp comes on a few minutes later and Wilson straight up fronts him.
He goes to pieces, babbling, “I’m so sorry. I apologise — I know. I’m so, so sorry.”
The phone went dead, but I knew I’d got my man. I cannot find the words to describe how delicious this moment was, but I can say that it ranks with some of the successful conclusions of live investigations I’ve been associated with.
Later another thought struck me — had Oates perhaps reviewed his own books as Junius? Of course he had. He had given The Second Battle of Preston, 1715 five stars and described it as “detailed and comprehensive”.
Of course.
Wilson finishes with a plea to Amazon to clean up its review act, but I dunno, I’m willing to take a few hits to enjoy revenge pieces like this one.
Is it wrong that I wish he'd used the opportunity to state after the first reviews ""I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop posting reviews that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you."
This was an amazing read. These b*stards are a real thing; I am constantly amazed at people's lack of decorum or simple decency online. Of course the troll sh*t himself when confronted. This is the standard MO of a bully.
The real bullies I've encountered are idiotic spell checkers, all three of them at work. They just spent so much time going on and on about my spelling just to goad me. There is nothing wrong with my spelling or grammar, there is a problem with my typing speed and typo creation but that's why we have ctrl z and red underlines. Anyways one day , someone on you tube corrected my typo on a comment. Damn they came a long way to be a tedious bitch.
It's a (semi) comedy, crime caper... based around the current South London heroin and crack drug dealing scene... set predominantly in a 'trap house' belonging to an older addict and has been occupied by a particularly arrogant much much younger and relatively
relatively inexperienced drug dealer with a serious 'I am a gangsta' complex. I have stalled a bit recently and been in the planning stage for about 6 months. There are a have a few pages written here and there and copious notes on plot line, characters and scenesm ideas. It's my 1st serious attempt at putting all of the ideas I have had swirling around my head for some time on to paper. My life has been very chaotic over the last few years but I have made some lifestyle changes. Hopefully I will now h
have more time and focus to get more actually written.
Mr Wilson that is... seriously good lecturer, brought 3 years of Criminology and Policing, along with government policy in sharp relief in my final term. Do love it when he pops up on the telly
When I realised that it wasn't clear, and sounded like it was the troll who had taught me, I was quick to correct... I am loving your work BTW. Came across The cruel stars as being similar to other books I had been reading and added it to my library ages ago. I finally read it last week and was practically inhaling it by the end. Very excited to find it was part of a trilogy and glad I found out the 3rd book was not available yet. The crushing disappointment if I had been left hanging at the end of no. 2 would have been disastrous for my psychological state atm!!! David Wilson was my favourite lecturer of the 3yr course. I turned up to the first couple of classes fresh from lunchtime drinking at the University bar. Then quickly realised that 1) he knew and wasn't impressed and 2) If I wanted to keep up with the content I needed to be absolutely sober and focused. He made 3yrs if different classes (Criminal Justice and Policing) come together so you can see how all the various parts of the 'system' from media, government policy, police, courts, prison system all interrelated and affected each other. I was quite in awe of him by the 4th lecture. Wasn't too surprised to see him on TV many years later.
Apologies for slightly repeating myself in last comment. Also, a bit more fan stuff. I really like the use of humour in your work. I am sketching out my first novel and it's intended to be in a similar style, although the subject matter is very different to anything you have written I think. Not a discussion for this thread but nonetheless...i may write to you via different platform at some point. Your Amazon bio is gold also.
He is hard as nails in real life...one stare from him and you crumble... 1st or 2nd class with him and he knew I had been in the university bar before the lecture, smell of booze, general posture etc.. He made a very pointed comment about if we thought we would pass the module giving anything less than 110% then don't even bother turning up at all. Was stone cold sober in his lectures from then on, and passed.
he sticks his perps in a big red chair and if he doesnt like what they are saying he flips them (he flips 99% of them because he's a hard bitten detective)
Is it wrong that I wish he'd used the opportunity to state after the first reviews ""I don't know who you are. I don't know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don't have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you stop posting reviews that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you."
This was an amazing read. These b*stards are a real thing; I am constantly amazed at people's lack of decorum or simple decency online. Of course the troll sh*t himself when confronted. This is the standard MO of a bully.
The real bullies I've encountered are idiotic spell checkers, all three of them at work. They just spent so much time going on and on about my spelling just to goad me. There is nothing wrong with my spelling or grammar, there is a problem with my typing speed and typo creation but that's why we have ctrl z and red underlines. Anyways one day , someone on you tube corrected my typo on a comment. Damn they came a long way to be a tedious bitch.
"I cannot find the words to describe how delicious this moment was," hahahah I bet. This is awesome, thanks for sharing JB
It's a (semi) comedy, crime caper... based around the current South London heroin and crack drug dealing scene... set predominantly in a 'trap house' belonging to an older addict and has been occupied by a particularly arrogant much much younger and relatively
relatively inexperienced drug dealer with a serious 'I am a gangsta' complex. I have stalled a bit recently and been in the planning stage for about 6 months. There are a have a few pages written here and there and copious notes on plot line, characters and scenesm ideas. It's my 1st serious attempt at putting all of the ideas I have had swirling around my head for some time on to paper. My life has been very chaotic over the last few years but I have made some lifestyle changes. Hopefully I will now h
have more time and focus to get more actually written.
He was a University lecturer of mine and incredibly intelligent man, but yes, I never fancied being on the wrong side of him at the time.
Mr Wilson that is... seriously good lecturer, brought 3 years of Criminology and Policing, along with government policy in sharp relief in my final term. Do love it when he pops up on the telly
I am SO thankful that you clarified that!
When I realised that it wasn't clear, and sounded like it was the troll who had taught me, I was quick to correct... I am loving your work BTW. Came across The cruel stars as being similar to other books I had been reading and added it to my library ages ago. I finally read it last week and was practically inhaling it by the end. Very excited to find it was part of a trilogy and glad I found out the 3rd book was not available yet. The crushing disappointment if I had been left hanging at the end of no. 2 would have been disastrous for my psychological state atm!!! David Wilson was my favourite lecturer of the 3yr course. I turned up to the first couple of classes fresh from lunchtime drinking at the University bar. Then quickly realised that 1) he knew and wasn't impressed and 2) If I wanted to keep up with the content I needed to be absolutely sober and focused. He made 3yrs if different classes (Criminal Justice and Policing) come together so you can see how all the various parts of the 'system' from media, government policy, police, courts, prison system all interrelated and affected each other. I was quite in awe of him by the 4th lecture. Wasn't too surprised to see him on TV many years later.
Apologies for slightly repeating myself in last comment. Also, a bit more fan stuff. I really like the use of humour in your work. I am sketching out my first novel and it's intended to be in a similar style, although the subject matter is very different to anything you have written I think. Not a discussion for this thread but nonetheless...i may write to you via different platform at some point. Your Amazon bio is gold also.
Thanks Yogi. What are you writing?
OMG this is amazing.
In that pic Wilson looks like a cynical hard bitten detective in an English crime show, not a historian!
He is hard as nails in real life...one stare from him and you crumble... 1st or 2nd class with him and he knew I had been in the university bar before the lecture, smell of booze, general posture etc.. He made a very pointed comment about if we thought we would pass the module giving anything less than 110% then don't even bother turning up at all. Was stone cold sober in his lectures from then on, and passed.
At first glance I thought he was Graham Norton...
Hahaha Graham Norton as a cynical hard bitten detective!
he sticks his perps in a big red chair and if he doesnt like what they are saying he flips them (he flips 99% of them because he's a hard bitten detective)
Look I'd watch the hell out of that