Why I voted for Cthulhu.

(Seemed about time to re-up this bad boy).


Sure, I laughed off Cthulhu like everyone else. I’ll admit that at first, compared to the other candidates, He looked like a joke. They all presented really well in those TV debates with their fancy store-bought suits and ties. He sort of shambled on stage draped in the glistening skin of his enemies and all their children. But once I stopped laughing at Him and started listening, and I mean really listening to his guttural snarls and burps, He started to win me over. I felt like once you got past the pouchy crocodile eyes, the bluster and the unpredictable geysers of digestive acid you could just tell He really was interested in you.

It was the way He looked at you. With a sort of hunger.

None of the other candidates gave me that feeling. They wanted my vote.

Cthulhu wanted me.

I understand He’s not a perfect man by any means. I mean, lets face it. He’s not a man at all. More of a smoking blob of evil dragon jizz with tentacles and teeth but in a vaguely human form. He kind of reminds me of my ex-husband like that. I think deep down, like Gary, He’s basically good. You just have to look past the bad. Now, with Gary I couldn’t do that. With Cthulhu it’s much easier because if you dare look upon Him directly, you go insane, which is only fair.

Now for myself, I look at everyone the same, no matter what. If you need my help you get it. That’s fine for me, as an individual. But I do think that as a country we have to take care of our own people first. Driving to work yesterday, I saw three homeless people. They need our help to get off the street and I know that my Lord and Master will do that, not just talk about it like the other candidates. Everywhere He goes He gathers the lost and the sick and the not-very-fast-on-their-feet unto Him. He visited our district twice during the election and when He was gone there were literally no people living on the street at all.

I do sometimes read things that He tweets and yes, I do think, oh my word. I wish I could have just two minutes with Him to say, Master, you need to straighten up and stop with this foolishness. But I don’t get offended like some people do. Basically we had a choice between the Primal Lurker And Malevolent Entity and a life-long politician who did her email wrong. I just couldn’t believe her.

You might not like Cthulhu but even you would have to concede that when He says He will consume the world, you believe Him.

I feel very, very badly for the people who are scared for their way of life, or even, you know, their actual life. But from what I’m understanding, He’s only going to eat illegal immigrants, which everyone agrees with. And I feel bad for the lesbian and gay people and those other ones who can’t make up their minds. But from what I also understand, the Elder God is actually in favour of sinful cults so I don’t know what they’re complaining about.

There’s been too much complaining really. And too much listening to the complaints of other people who aren’t me and mine. So, yes. I voted for Cthulhu because I wanted change. I feel the last eight years have been a disgrace. The last President was out for himself. I don’t think he really respected the office. I think it was more about him being a celebrity than a president.

Cthulhu doesn’t need celebrity. Cthulhu is a Great Old One from the vast deep space between the stars, and I feel like that’s what we need to bring our economy back. I don’t think left or right or conservative or liberal mean anything to Him, to be quite honest with you. He’s not in a box. Mostly He lives in a sunken city of green stone deep beneath the ocean. I don’t think He’ll take us back to women having no rights or blacks being slaves.

He’ll treat everyone the same.

Nobody will have any rights and everyone will be slaves and that is the fairest way of doing things.

From The Seven Stages of Drinking Martinis