American coffee wuss.

The algorithm knows me, which is why it served up this piece of sports writing about caffeine.

It was just past 11:20 a.m. on a Monday in New York City when the caffeine began to take hold. My head buzzed. My stomach sloshed. I had felt so confident just a couple of hours earlier. Now I felt defeated.

I was no Dan Campbell.

This story had started five days earlier when my editor reached out with a “fun” idea: Do you want to try to drink coffee like Detroit Lions coach Dan Campbell for a day?

I had no idea who Dan Campbell might be. Never heard of these Detroit Lions, but it seemed it was in for an abusive treat. And I was. This guy destroyed himself with coffee. But as I read through the piece, the horrible truth became more obvious.

It honestly wasn’t that much coffee.

I really do think the problem he had was a small bladder rather than a traumatised nervous system and digestive tract.

I sat down, popped open my laptop and got to work. The first 16 ounces went down quickly. I should note here that I drink coffee every day. My standard order, depending on the place, is a plain 12-ounce latte with a little simple syrup. If I can get through the rest of the day without any more coffee, that’s a win. (Narrator: I usually don’t.) I had never tackled 40 ounces of coffee, let alone 40 ounces with an additional four shots of espresso. But I was feeling cocky. Invincible.

At 9:10 a.m., I texted my editor.

I thought I was going to have a real problem with this Campbell order. But I’ll be done with the first cup in about 10 minutes.

Some important context before we go any farther: Campbell is 6 feet 5 and a former NFL tight end. I, on the other hand, am 5 feet 10 and a former high school shooting guard.

Yeah, okay. Context is good. But seriously, guy, have you ever heard of a short black? When I was working on Leviathan in the State Library down in Sydney I’d order a quattro espresso (yeah, that’s right shooting guard, four shots in one cup) after lunch to fend off the afternoon sleepies. That was after three caps at breakfast, and one or two flat whites in the morning session. Then there’s coffee with dinner of course.

So I wasn’t much impressed with this guy’s caffeine chops. And the Lion’s coach could pick up his game too.