Weird Covid artefact.

I was searching through some old files this morning, digging up stuff for a project, and found this, which I have no memory of writing or publishing. The file was called ‘Infectious First Lines’ and tipped a nod to Dave Pell, who first did this with famous poems for McSweeney’s.

Gravity’s Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon

A screaming comes across the sky. The last Australians flying home and realising the government has shut the bottle shops.

The Trial by Franz Kafka

Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was named in the media as a thoughtless bogan who had spent the weekend at the beach.

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, but probably because they ran out of pasta.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of antibacterial wipes, must be in want of a wife.

1984 by George Orwell

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were thoroughly disinfected. Still, please don’t touch the clocks.

Neuromancer by William Gibson

The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel, which was still better than one of those insane Trump pressers.

Elmer Gantry by Sinclair Lewis

Elmer Gantry was drunk, but what the hell, it’s Airport Rules during a pandemic.

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I’ve been turning over in my mind ever since. You need to moisturise every time you wash your hands.

The Go-Between by L. P. Hartley

The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there. Like go out to cafes and stuff.

The Martian by Andy Wier.

I’m pretty much fucked. I touched my face.

Their Eyes were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston.

Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board, except in Sydney where they just get off and wander around the city coughing on everyone and licking the doorknobs.

One Hundred Years Of Solitude By Gabriel García Márquez

Many years later as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendia was to remember that distant afternoon when he forgot to cough into his elbow.

‘Notes From Underground’ By Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man… So you better give me that toilet paper.

Jane Eyre By Charlotte Brontë

There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. Stage 3 lockdown protocols were in place.

The Portrait Of A Lady By Henry James

Under certain circumstances there are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to pandemic breakfast cocktails.

Goldfinger by Ian Fleming

James Bond with two double bourbons inside of him sat in the final departure lounge of Miami Airport and nothing else happened because all international flights were cancelled and then they closed the bars.

He Died with a Felafel in His Hand by John Birmingham

He died with a felafel in his hands, which he had not washed properly.